"I do not know my weight. I do not own a scale."

Larissa Kaye Batten (llbeara@aol.com) writes "Soul Food," a weekly column for SpiritSite.com.  

Larissa is a prolific writer whose work has been featured in several publications.  

You can visit Lara's web site at www.miracleanimalrescue.com (site will open in a new window).

"How much do you weigh?" the dermatologist asked.

"I don't know," I said.

"No really," he persisted, "how much do you weigh?"

"I don't know," I repeated.

He wouldn't give up.

"Well, let's say you're about ___ ", and he filled in a number. "Then you should ___ " blah blah blah.

I should drink ___ cups of water a day, if I weigh ___ pounds, the doctor told me.

I don't remember any of his numbers because I pay very little attention to numbers anymore unless they serve a purpose.

My body tells me how much water to drink every day, and knowing my weight doesn't make an iota of difference to me.

God loves me no matter how much water I drink. God loves me no matter how much I weigh.

When I was hospitalized for my eating disorder several years ago, I had the option every few days to know my weight. On those days, I could get on the scale facing forward. On the other days, I had to get on the scale backwards so I wouldn't see my weight.

People with eating disorders are usually obsessed with their weight. I was no exception.

The obsession was killing me, and there was only one alternate path.

God's path.

God doesn't measure his love for me in numbers.

God doesn't say, "Lara weighs more today. I think I'll love her less."

God doesn't say, "Lara doesn't make enough money. I think I'll punish her today."

After years and years of obsession with my weight, I surrendered to God.

I do not know my weight. I do not own a scale. I do not let the doctors or nurses disclose any numbers today. I do not need the numbers anymore.

I have chosen God's love instead.

I believe we live in a society driven by numbers.

How much did the market go up today?

Did you get the raise you wanted? How much?

How much did your house cost?

What do you pay for your kid's private school?

How much was that pizza?

What do any of these numbers have to do with God?

I sold water for a dollar a bottle at a festival.

A friend told me to jack up the price. I raised it to $2.

People began to complain. They muttered under their breath, making sure I would hear.

I held my ground. I wanted to make some money. I kept it at $2.

People slowed down on buying the water.

I switched it back to a dollar. Nobody complained. I sold more water.

God didn't love me any more or any less at either price.

I have always wondered why a newborn is measured in numbers.

"How much did the child weigh?" I heard someone ask someone else recently. Of course, I can't remember the number. I didn't care.

"That's a healthy baby," one of them said.

Imagine what it feels like to be that baby.

"Gee," the baby says to himself. "Guess I'm off to a bad start. I came in at a high number."

The kid in the next hospital crib laughs. "Hey you, ease up on yourself," the kid remarks. "You should have heard my number. I'm not even going to tell you." That kid's headed for an eating disorder.

A third kid already knows the second kid's number.

By the end of the first day of their lives, one kid is coming in first. He plopped out of his mother with the best number.

But God had a different plan.

God wanted the child to be welcomed into the world with love, with forgiveness, with acceptance, with grace.

What grace is there in the measure of numbers?

This all reminds me of a form I had to fill out not too long ago at a doctor's office.

"What race are you?" the form asked.

"Human," I answered.

"What religion are you?" the form said.

"Spiritual," I responded.

"How much do you weigh?" the form continued.

Blank.

I weigh BLANK.

Love is not measured in numbers. God is not measured in numbers. I no longer love myself based on my numbers.

I feel whole today. I feel spiritually centered. I feel connected to God. I feel one with my fellows.

How much do I weigh? I don't know. I don't care.

I am everything I believe God wants me to be today.

God loves me exactly as I am.

I do not play the numbers game anymore.

God never played.

I have joined God's team.

God always wins.

God does not measure the world in numbers. God loves the world with love.

Nothing beats love. Not any number at all.

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