"And I knew I found it in the delicious oblivion of alcohol. My boundaries melted, the pain disappeared, and I was, I thought, free."

And I knew I found it in the delicious oblivion of alcohol. My boundaries melted, the pain disappeared, and I was, I thought, free. I felt comfortable within my own skin and felt connected with a carefree vitality that told me I could do anything. I was at ease with people in a way that was impossible in my daily life. I felt included, accepted, and cherished – until alcohol turned against me.

Since I began my recovery from alcoholism, I have listened to many recovering people discuss their search for some undetermined experience of unity and freedom and remember the territories to which their quest has taken them. They have described the clear, uplifting, and loving moments in their lives as well as the destructive or self-destructive periods in which they convinced themselves they were on the right track. In other peoples’ stories and observations, I have recognized numerous familiar elements and themes that appear repeatedly in my own history.

Many alcoholics and addicts portray themselves as dreamers or as creative in some way, sensitive to the intensity as well as the beauty of life. We are idealists; legions of us talk about wanting to assist others or about helping to solve the world’s problems. Some have been graced with spiritual experiences, often starting in childhood. We may find it difficult to deal with the complex and demanding world around us, as well as with the intricate emotional, psychological, and spiritual mosaic within. We have responded by developing elaborate and ingenious mechanisms that allow us to survive or to escape the challenges of our existence. Most of us feel different from other people, isolated and lonely, as though we are on the outside looking in at the rest of the world. We often experience ourselves as inadequate, shameful, and less important, intelligent, or effective than other people.

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