you want to know what your beliefs are, look at what you have in your
life. Life always reflects our beliefs."
Radical Forgiveness, Part 8
"Well, he certainly supported your belief, didn't he?" I
queried. "You were so 'not enough' that he always was on the
lookout for other women, for 'something more.' If he had done the
opposite and consistently treated you as if you were totally enough by
being faithful, you would have created some other drama in your life to
prove your belief. Your belief about yourself made it impossible for you
to be enough.
"By the same token, had you at that time healed your original pain
around your father and changed your belief to 'I am enough,' Henry would
have stopped screwing your friends immediately. If he hadn't, you would
have felt perfectly happy to leave him and find someone else who would
treat you as though you were enough. We always create our reality
according to our beliefs. If you want to know what your beliefs are,
look at what you have in your life. Life always reflects our
Jill seemed a bit perplexed, so I decided to reiterate some of the
points I had made. "Each time Henry cheated on you, he gave you the
opportunity to heal your original pain around being unloved by Dad. He
demonstrated and acted out your belief that you were never going to be
enough for a man. The first few times this happened, you may have gotten
so mad and upset that you could have gotten in touch with the original
pain and become acquainted with your belief system about yourself. In
fact, his first acts of unfaithfulness represented your first
opportunities to practice Radical Forgiveness and to heal your original
pain, but you missed them. You made him wrong each time and created
yourself as a victim instead, which made healing impossible."
"What do you mean by forgiveness," Jill asked, still looking
troubled. "Are you saying I should have forgiven him for screwing
my best friend and anyone else he found willing?"
"I am saying that, at that time, he provided you with an
opportunity to get in touch with your original pain and to see how a
certain belief about yourself was running your life. In so doing, he
gave you the opportunity to understand and change your belief, thus
healing your original pain. That's what I mean by Radical Forgiveness.
Can you see that, Jill?"
"Yes, I think so," she said. "He was reflecting my belief
-- the one I had formed because I felt so unloved by Dad. He was making
me right about not being enough. Is that it?"
"That's right, and to the extent that he provided you with that
opportunity, he deserves credit -- actually, more than you realize right
now. We have no way of knowing whether he would have stopped his
behavior had you healed your issue around Dad at that time or whether
you would have left him. Either way, he would have served you powerfully
well. So, in that sense, he deserves not only your forgiveness but your
deep gratitude as well. And you know what? It wasn't his fault that you
didn't understand the true message behind his behavior.
"I know that it was, and may still be, hard for you to see that he
was trying to give you a great gift. That's not how we are taught to
think. We're not taught to look at what is going on in our lives and to
say, 'Look what I have created in my life? Isn't that interesting.' We
are taught to judge, lay blame, accuse, play victim, and practice
eye-for-an-eye justice. Neither are we taught to think that our lives
are directed by forces other than our own conscious mind, but they are.
"In fact, it was Henry's soul that tried to help you heal. On the
surface, Henry simply acted out his sexual addiction, but his soul,
working with your soul, chose to use the addiction for your spiritual
growth. Recognizing this fact is what Radical Forgiveness is all about.
Its purpose lies in seeing the truth behind the apparent circumstances
of a situation and recognizing the love that always exists there."